You Don't Have to Earn Your Place in Someone's Life

Dear reader,

Do you ever feel like you have to be a little easier to love?

Like you have to understand people even when they don't understand you. Forgive them before you're ready. Hide your disappointment so you don't seem difficult. Laugh things off when they hurt because you don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

Maybe you have learned to say it's okay when it really isn't.

Maybe you type a message, delete it, type it again, and eventually decide that silence is better than the possibility of being annoying.

And perhaps, somewhere along the way, you started believing that being loved means being easy to keep around.

I wonder how exhausting that must be.

To walk into every relationship carrying this quiet little fear that if you become too emotional, too needy, too honest, or simply too human, someone might decide you're not worth the effort anymore.

So you try harder.

You become the understanding friend. The person who never asks for too much. The one who remembers everyone's favourite things but feels guilty asking someone to remember theirs.

And nobody notices how tired you are, because you've become so good at making sure nobody has to worry about you.

But, dear reader, who takes care of the person who makes taking care of everyone else look so effortless?

I wish I could tell you that nobody will ever leave you. I can't promise you that. Sometimes people leave, even when you've loved them well. Sometimes relationships change for reasons you cannot understand, let alone control.

But I want you to know something.

You do not have to make yourself smaller to make yourself easier to love.

You are allowed to have bad days. To need reassurance. To disagree. To say that something hurt you without immediately apologizing for having feelings about it.

You are allowed to be the person who needs a little extra love sometimes, too.

And the people who truly make room for you won't always get everything right. They'll misunderstand you sometimes. You'll misunderstand them, too. But there will be room to talk, to learn, to make mistakes without constantly wondering whether one imperfect moment will cost you the entire relationship.

That is what I hope you find.

Not people who never get tired, never get upset, or never need space. Just people with whom love doesn't feel like a test you must keep passing.

And until you find that kind of space, please don't turn against yourself just because someone else couldn't meet you where you were.

You don't have to become more useful to deserve friendship. You don't have to be cheerful to deserve company. You don't have to have something interesting to say to deserve to be heard.

You can simply exist.

You can have nothing to offer today except your presence, your tired little heart, and the willingness to try again tomorrow.

That is enough for today.

So, dear reader, here's something I'd like you to remember the next time you catch yourself wondering whether you're being too much.

What if you aren't asking for too much? What if you've just spent too long asking for too little?

You don't have to answer that tonight.

Just sit with it for a while.

And please, for once, let yourself stay.

With love,

Someone who hopes you're learning to be gentle with yourself.